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  THE END

  Excerpt from FAT WHACK: THE FAT IN THE MACHINE

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  Big Blimpin (Part One)

  In the near future…

  Two blimps circled one another like predators positioning themselves for the kill. While both were massive in size, the smaller of the two maintained a slightly higher altitude. The twin behemoths were tethered together by rusty chains that stretched out through white Cool Whipped clouds. Emerging from those clouds, men dangled from the chains like monkeys at a zoo. They slowly descended, making their way to the surface of the larger prison, where more men waited with makeshift weapons at the ready. They cheered as a man lost his grip and plummeted to certain death in the Gulf of Mexico far below. More cheers and some excited laughter erupted as a man attempted an impossible leap from the higher penitentiary to the lower one. For a brief moment, the inmate looked like a superhero flying through the air, until his body bounced off the starboard side of the blimp and then disappeared into oblivion.

  To Ninja #5, the event unfolding before his eyes looked like a scene out of an old pirate film. Chaos erupted as the first wave of men from the smaller blimp finally dropped onto the surface of the larger one, and the fighting began. Swords that were nothing more than quickly sharpened fan blades clanged with other sword like weapons. Long spears made from broken broomsticks jabbed into human flesh. Maintenance tools used for fixing things were now being used to break bones. The prisoners of both blimps fought as if there was no other option—because there was no other option.

  The pair of Alabama prison blimps were made up of over ninety percent violent offenders, many of whom had received the death penalty and were awaiting death by electric chair. The term “electric chair” was still commonly used, but a more accurate description would be the electric couch. A few years ago, it was decided that it would be more cost efficient to put multiple death row inmates to death at the same time. The usual one-man electric chair became a couch, and as many as ten convicts would sit on it at a time. It was used often, and although the speedy deaths of the criminals did help to alleviate some of the cost of maintaining floating trash cans in the sky, they were deemed still too expensive for the state to afford. Downsizing was the next quick fix. All prison staff were laid off and returned to land. For five months, the inmates ran the prisons with no supervision whatsoever. It quickly became apparent to all on board that hell could absolutely become more hellish. Then, Alabama’s final money-saving plan went into effect. From a control room on the ground located somewhere in the state’s capital, the blimps were remotely redirected into the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Once clear of land, high-pitched sirens began to wail inside both of the penitentiaries. Static hissed over the intercoms of the smaller vessel, and then an official sounding voice stated: ATTENTION! THIS BLIMP IS IN DISTRESS. ALL SOULS ABANDON SHIP. YOU HAVE BEEN GRANTED PERMISSION TO BOARD THE BAMA- 2. BOARD BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS ONLY ENOUGH SPACE FOR APPROXIMATELY HALF OF YOU. FIRST ON BOARD WILL BE SPARED.

  On board the BAMA- 2, a similar static hissed over the intercoms. Then the same official sounding voice stated: ATTENTION! THE BAMA-1 HAS GONE ROGUE AND WILL SOON BE ATTACKING YOUR HOME. THEY DESIRE YOUR LARGER VESSEL AND MORE PLENTIFUL ACCOMMODATIONS. FIGHT THEM OFF, TO THE DEATH IF NECESSARY. PROTECT THE GOVERNMENT’S PROPERTY, AND YOU WILL BE REWARDED WITH FIVE YEARS OFF YOUR SENTENCES.

  From his current position beneath his powered hang glider, Ninja #5 continued to watch the mayhem unfold. It made him sick to his stomach to see what the government buffoons were doing to these convicts. Guilty men were still men after all. Punishment was necessary, but being tricked to fight to the death, just to dwindle down the incarcerated population to a bare minimum, in order for the state to save a few bucks ... it was wrong. However, the chaos did afford Ninja #5 an opportunity to sneak onboard the BAMA- 2.

  “He’s inside the bigger of the blimps,” Billy Ito said to Ninja #5 by way of a walkie-talkie headset. Billy was on a powered hang glider of his own, about one hundred feet to #5’s left. Ninja #5 responded with action instead of words.

  The first of two hang gliders rapidly descended and then tore across the top of the blimp like a crashing spaceship. Fighting men had to jump out of its way. More men had to scatter as the second hang glider copied the first. The ninjas quickly joined the fray. Billy almost slipped and fell when he first set foot on the blimp. The fighting had only just begun, and already, the polyester fabric skin of the airship’s envelope was slick with crimson blood. Billy had only just recovered from his almost tumble when a prisoner in a bright orange jumpsuit jumped at him with a hammer raised. Billy ducked as the attacker swung and missed, causing him to slip on the blood and begin sliding down the curved side of the blimp. With no time to spare, Billy tethered himself to his glider with a rope and slid down the surface after the man. He reached out for the man’s hand and grasped it, just in time to save him from falling to his death.

  “Hang on!” Billy yelled over the sound of rushing wind. “I’ll pull us up!”

  The man looked at Billy with a confused look on his face that was quickly replaced with something else. He swung the hammer once again. This time it struck Billy on the forearm. The pain caused the ninja to let go of the man’s hand. A faded orange, man-shaped figure, that in Billy’s mind resembled Circus Peanut Candy, disappeared into a puff of cumulus cloud.

  “Get your head back in the game!” Ninja #5 told his partner over the radio.

  “It is! There’s just so many of them,” Billy said.

  “Maybe you’re gonna have to actually use …” Ninja #5 started to say. Billy interrupted him, “Don’t even say it. We can do this, remember what Chap used to say in overwhelming situations?”

  They looked at each other from across the blimp’s surface. “When you’re in a jam … just eat some,” They said to one another and smiled underneath their masks.

  The war raged on. The ninjas disarmed and rendered unconscious as many convicts as possible, all the while fighting their way to their intended target. After they had cleared the section of the blimp’s surface they needed to clear, they used ropes to descend to the vicinity of the blimp’s undercarriage. Dangling in mid-air, Ninja #5 used an explosive throwing star to blow a decent sized hole in the side of the prison. Moving their legs back and forth, like two kids on the world’s highest swing-set, they swung to gain momentum. On the fifth swing, they jumped through the hole and landed in the facility.

  The prison was dark—lit only by emergency lighting and the occasional electrical fire. Inmates who had chosen not to participate in the fighting above roamed the halls with confused looks on their faces. This made it somewhat easy for the ninjas to move throughout the facility while remaining unseen. They moved as if part of the darkness, and the darkness led them to the heart of the facility—the protective custody and disciplinary wing. This was where the worst of the worst got buried. This is where they would hopefully find their target. They counted five confinement cells. Ninja #5 looked around until he found a set of large keys. He used the keys to open the first of the heavy cell doors. The first and second cells were empty of everything but a toilet, a dirty mattress, and rat bones. The third had all of those things in it, plus a dead man.

  “Gross,” Billy said as he covered his nose that was already covered by a mask. The smell was overwhelming. The man must have been dead for a few months. “This looks like the bathroom from the first SAW movie. Drew made me watch it when … ”

  “Quiet,” Ninja #5 said.

  Billy immediately stopped talking and got back into a ready stance. He should not have needed a reminder of how serious this mission was. They were so close, and the excitement was almost getting the best of him.

  Ninja #5 opened the fourth cell. It appeared empty at first, but then from a deep, black corner a naked man charged at them. He held a toothbrush shiv raised high above his head.
Billy was one second away from kicking the man in his ribcage when the lunatic stopped on a dime, did a sort of ballet spin, and then leaped back into his cage.

  The ninjas looked at each other, shook their heads in bewilderment, and then laser-focused their attention on the last cell door.

  “This has to be it,” Billy said.

  Ninja #5 approached the door. He placed the key inside the lock.

  KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK! A prisoner from inside the cell rapped his knuckles hard against the inside of the door. The sound of the knocking echoed throughout the prison. Ninja #5 remained completely motionless, hand still on the base of the key. He let out a breath and then started to turn the key.

  KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK! The prisoner inside the cell repeated his action again, but this time he followed the knocking with words.

  “Come in, come in. All good things must come to an end.”

  The voice was chilling and familiar. Ninja #5 continued turning the key until he heard a loud click. He let go of the key, and without opening the door, he took a few steps back to stand beside Billy. For a moment that stretched out for an eternity, nothing happened. Then the door slowly began to move. It was being pushed open from the inside. Rusty hinges creaked as if the door had not been open in a long time. At first, the only thing the ninjas could see in the darkness were two floating eyeballs staring straight back at them. Then, a face fit for a horror show emerged. The face was consumed by boils, bumps, and blood—as disgusting as ever. A smile sorely out of place on such a face curled upward, and then the Anteater spoke.

  “What took you ninjas so long?”