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  Fat Whack

  It’s a Fat World After All (Second Edition)

  Andrew Franks

  ISBN (Print Edition): 978-1-09830-364-8

  ISBN (eBook Edition): 978-1-09830-365-5

  © 2020. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  Cover art by Jessica Specht.

  Contents

  Welcome to the ultimate Fat Whacking experience.

  Ninja Note: October 31, 1989

  A Ninja Horror Story

  It’s A Beautiful Day Until It Isn’t

  -First Perspective-

  Commercial Break My Heart

  The Anteater Interlude

  Commercial Break My Heart . . . Continued

  Ninja Note: November 6, 1989

  Eulogy

  I Hit The Gym And I Liked It

  Scaredy Cat, Scaredy Cat, What Are They Feeding You?

  Feast Or Famine

  Ninja Note: February 1, 1993

  The Great Prison Blimp Explosion

  The Devil’s Ark

  Paging Dr. Dracula

  On The Pill

  A Long Time Ago In A Dojo Far Away

  Part 1

  Ninja Note: November 30, 1999

  Hidden Fortress

  Fat Suited For Success

  Ninja Note: November 29, 1999

  Redneckery

  Sew Like The Wind

  Ninja Note: December 10, 1999

  Go Ninja Go

  A Long Time Ago In A Dojo Far Away

  Part 2

  An Obstacle Of Course

  Police Navidad

  Eating The Habits

  Fat Mastered

  I Drew You A Picture Of What Happened

  Weighing Our Options

  A Long Time Ago In A Dojo Far Away

  Part 3

  Paraninja Activity

  It’s A Beautiful Day Until It Isn’t

  -Second Perspective-

  Chew The Fat

  Not A Ninja Note

  Making A Mountain Out Of An Anthill

  Welcome to the ultimate Fat Whacking experience.

  In the late 1990s, I grabbed my father’s VHS camcorder and forced many of my family and friends to help me make a home movie. The story was inspired by the late night infomercials that were always trying to sell the next great weight loss product. Naturally, my brain went to ninjas jumping out of the shadows and knocking junk food out of people’s hands. Fat Whack was born.

  My brother Steven, who could always beat me up (and still can) was the Ninja. He almost died during filming when I decided at the last second to push a boulder off of a cliff that he was climbing. He wasn’t aware that I was going to do it. I distinctly remember almost screaming out, “Move out of the way!” as the killer rock got closer and closer to my little brother. At the last possible second he moved out of harm’s way. When watching the movie, you can hear the faintest squeal during this scene. I’m glad I didn’t yell out; it would have ruined the shot.

  Over twenty years later, I decided to turn my movie into a book. I had previously wanted to turn it into a comic book, but I’m not an artist, and I didn’t have the money to hire one. I also didn’t have the money to buy a computer. So, I wrote Fat Whack: It’s A Fat World After All on my cell phone. My thumbs felt like they were going to fall off by the time I had finished. Most of the time it felt like I was composing the world’s longest text message. Unfortunately, at times it read like a text message as well. However, people still liked it! The original book sold more copies than I ever expected. That’s when I decided to create this edition. This is an updated, re-edited version of the first book in the series. Also, there is a bonus chapter not found in the previous edition. The chapter is titled “Making A Mountain Out Of An Anthill.” It tells the story of the Anteater’s death defying origins. I hope you enjoy it!

  I want to thank a few people who made this book possible.

  Valerie Franks. You are the love of my life. Thanks for putting up with me and being supportive of my writing. I love you and our girls so much!

  Jessica Specht. You are an amazing tattoo artist and book cover designer. I tell her what I’m thinking and she draws it better than I imagined.

  Dana Lawson. When I realized that more than just my friends and family were gonna read this book, I also realized I needed a local editor. Dana is so thorough and worked very hard to correct my mistakes. I imagine weird word combinations, and she makes them grammatically correct.

  Steven Franks. Thanks for being my brother and friend. Also, thanks for not getting squished by that boulder.

  Thank you to everyone who gives this book a chance.

  Bon Appetit!

  Andrew Franks

  Included on the next page is the poster for the home movie. It was not drawn by an artist.

  If you’ve had a bad day, I know the perfect pick-me-up. Go grab yourself a half-empty tub of peanut butter—creamy or crunchy. It doesn’t matter. Open yourself up a pack of M&M’s—plain or peanut. It doesn’t matter. Pour the whole pack of M&M’s into the half-empty peanut butter container. If you’re feeling extra down in the dumps, you might want a squirt of syrup in there as well. Mix it all up real good. Get yourself a spoon and dig in! Find those candy treats! If you eat this a few times and wanna change it up a bit, you could always swap out the M&M’s for something different. Crunched-up Oreos come to mind.

  The following chapters labeled “Ninja Note” are excerpts from the personal journals of Ninja #5.

  Ninja Note: October 31, 1989

  A Ninja Horror Story

  In the dim light of street lamps, moths congregate while mini versions of movie monsters move underneath. They travel in zigzag patterns from home to home, filling their plastic pumpkin purses with treats. I am perched on top of a rusty water tower, watching as a little Jason Voorhees skips across the street with a ninja turtle. Although it would blow my cover, I must move quickly if I am to save the children. I believe the children are our future, unless they get run over by a pizza delivery driver first.

  The car zooms into the entrance of the residential neighborhood at a speed that is approximately twenty miles per hour above the posted speed limit. Death metal screams carry over the wind, and smoke seeps from the car’s cracked open windows. Obscured by the vapors, I spot a fellow ninja. He is riding on top of the car, directly behind the pizza-chain-illuminated car top sign. It’s almost as if he wants me to see him, which only heightens my suspicions. I dive headfirst from the tower down into the autumn trees. The ninja I’m investigating leaps from the roof of the car and disappears into the shadows.

  Dropping to the ground, I force my legs to move. Exiting from between two houses, I sprint onto the road and grab a child in each arm. With no time to spare, I roll onto the sidewalk with two still-very-much-alive toddler trophies. The speeding vehicle whizzes past mere inches away from delivering death instead of pizza. I resist a strong urge to put throwing stars in the maniac’s back tires.

  My cover is officially blown, but as far as I’m concerned, saving the lives of children is a more-than-acceptable excuse for abandoning concealment. I know my master would agree. A group of kids dressed in their Halloween best encircle me and the two survivors. They are all hyped up on sugar and adrenaline, having almost witnessed a true All Hallows’ Eve horror. The ninja turtle tries to show his gratitude by offering me a Reese’s cup. I accept
the peanut butter and chocolate treat. It fits perfectly within the palm of my hand. Temptation momentarily rears its ugly head, and then I squeeze the candy. I can feel it squish out of its wrapper. The temptation has passed. I throw the unwanted calories into some nearby shrubbery. The kids look at me in confusion.

  “Raphael is way cooler than Leonardo,” I tell them as I race away. I hear the ninja turtle tell his friends that I am cool but rude.

  “Give me a break.”

  Moments later, I’m crouching on the shingled roof of a two-story home. The delivery driver’s car is in the driveway of the house directly across the street. The driver himself is standing slightly to the side of the front door with a pizza box balanced perfectly on one hand. He rings the doorbell.

  I sense a presence approaching quickly from the shadows, and my heart skips a beat. My master’s suspicions may prove to be true. More likely, this ninja is just here doing his job. I don’t want to believe the rumors. I know that my brothers and sisters would never betray the Fat Whack way.

  It happens so quickly that the untrained eye would not be able to interpret what it had witnessed. The ninja strikes down like a bolt of lightning, sword in hand. His job was to take the pizza away; he takes the man’s head instead. Crimson blood spouts from the former person’s neck like a malfunctioning water fountain. The headless figure takes a step backwards before it drops to the ground with a loud thump. Seconds later, the front door opens. An obese man I recognize immediately as an on-again-off-again client is smiling from just inside the home. He has a bowl of candy in his left hand and a wad of cash in his right. When he sees the corpse, he drops the smile and the money. Two ten-dollar bills and a five float down and gently land in a puddle of blood. The man’s name is Ryan Lopez. I know this because a few years ago I was briefly his handler, until the company grew and I was promoted. Ryan is a good man, but he lacks self-control, and that is why he sought out my master’s help. His file says that he is divorced and that he has a ten-year-old daughter. I pray the girl is staying at a friend’s house this evening.

  A throwing star suddenly appears in the wood of the man’s door frame. A note is attached. Even from this distance I can see that the paper contains a familiar drawing on it. Ryan faints. I sincerely want to help the man, but a crowd of trick-or-treaters begins approaching the house. They must be trying to decide if the scene is genuine or if this is just the most realistically decorated house on the block. A couple of brave or maybe just selfish older kids step over the decapitated body and take all of the candy out of the bowl Ryan is still clutching in his left arm. They childishly giggle as they hop back over the human remains and run away, leaving bloody shoe prints behind them. A few concerned parents approach the scene. Good. They will help him. I must meet with my Master. His worst fears have just been realized, and I will do whatever it takes to help him stop this nightmare.

  It’s A Beautiful Day Until It Isn’t

  -First Perspective-

  Reo and Sana Ito rarely got to go out on dates. Not enough time, not enough money, work obligations, family obligations—all of these reasons and more kept the married couple from doing what good married couples should do on a regular basis. In spite of this fact, they somehow managed to keep the spark of love alive—much to the disgust of their two teenage children. On a positive note, the absence of frequent romantic outings somehow made the dates they did get to go on all the more special. Taking long walks on the beach, sharing an ice cream sundae, bird and people watching from the comfort of their favorite park bench . . . these were a few of their favorite date day activities.

  Today’s date was extra special; on this fine day they were going to the zoo. They had been once before, ages ago, but this time was different. This time it was just the two of them—no kids present . . . well, none that they were responsible for. Today it was just two adults in love, holding hands and making fun of how the anteater’s snout looks like a dong. The way it flicked out its super long tongue in order to lick up ants and termites really grossed Sana out. All in all, it was shaping up to be a beautiful day. Most of the animals were parading around in plain view, unlike last time they were here with their kids when it seemed as if all of the animals were allergic to human eyeballs.

  The animals were in rare form, as if they were trying their best to make sure this date was memorable. While staring through the thick, scratched-up glass of the gorilla enclosure, a massive gorilla jumped out of nowhere and slapped the glass right in front of their faces. There was a loud noise, and the glass cracked into a spiderweb pattern where the primate had hit it. Reo fell backwards onto his butt. Sana let out a high-pitched scream and just about jumped out of her skin. Five seconds later, the couple held each other close and laughed themselves silly. Their laughter grew louder when they looked back inside the enclosure and saw the gorilla pointing at them with his slightly curved gorilla finger. He was laughing as well. When the giggling finally stopped, their faces hurt in a good way.

  It was a hot day, and the couple was exhausted, so they sat on a bench outside of the hippo holding area. Reo’s favorite animal had always been the hippopotamus. He thought they looked like baked potatoes, which was one of his favorite foods. He now had baked potatoes on the brain. Maybe he would cook a few for dinner tonight.

  Reo began to float his arm around his wife’s shoulders like he used to do back in the day. About the time his arm was firmly in place, the big hippo right in front of them started crapping. Turds exited his tiny hippo butthole at an alarming rate. At the same time, in a true display of nature’s wonder, the hippo moved its tiny tail quickly back and forth like a windshield wiper blade on its fastest setting. Poo flew this way and that. The watery feces that flew to the hippo’s left hit a nearby wall with a splat, and then gravity began slowly pulling it downwards. For some couples this would have ruined the moment, but for the Itos, this was perfect memory-making material. They thought it was hilarious. They couldn’t wait until tonight when they could tell their boys the story and gross them out.

  It had been their kids’ idea for them to go out on a date today. The boys had even gone as far as letting their parents borrow their precious bikes for the day. It was probably just a ploy to get them away so they could do whatever teenage boys do all alone on a Saturday, but that was okay. Chap and Billy were good kids, and they had worked so hard lately. For that, and for so many other things, the Ito’s were grateful.

  Having had enough of the animal kingdom for one day, they peddled the bikes home at a leisurely pace. They rode close to each other, so close they could hold hands. Every once in a while, the pedals of their bikes would accidentally hit each other, causing them to let go and quickly put both hands back on the handle bars.

  The sun was barely visible when they realized they had been taking it too slow. There was no way they would get home in time to have dinner ready for the boys when they were done training at the dojo. Not unless they took the shortcut through “Specter City.” They had taken this route a few times before when traveling to the dojo to meet with Master Takanashi. The area was run down and supposedly haunted, but it seemed safe enough if you stayed on the main roads.

  A few blocks later they passed by the dojo. They hurried past so the kids wouldn’t see them, but they couldn’t help peeking through the window for a moment. Inside the dojo, their children were doing martial arts moves that astounded them. A few years ago, you would have never believed those two kids were capable of such physical skills. They had always had big hearts, and even bigger bellies, but now they were almost unrecognizable. The big bellies were gone, but thankfully those big, kind hearts remained. The Ito’s smiled with pride as they once again pedaled towards home.

  The glow of some blindingly bright headlights flashed into existence behind them. A car engine roared to life. The engine revved up a few times, almost menacingly. Looking back, they couldn’t see the car; they could only see headlights—and they were getting
closer. Reo motioned to his wife, and together they got off of the main road and steered into a grocery store parking lot, safely out of the car’s path. Alarmingly, the headlights altered course, veering just enough to follow them. They steered the bikes back onto the street, peddling faster. The headlights followed. They were so close now that they appeared as only one bright spot of light. The Ito’s held each other’s hand. They squinted their eyes, looking into the light. They were not trying to see the car; they were trying to see past the car and into the window of the dojo. If they were going to die, they desperately wanted to catch one last glimpse of their beautiful children.

  It was a horrible ending to an otherwise perfect day. The car ran them over, bikes and all. The vehicle left as quickly as it had appeared. The noise of the crash was so loud that the people inside of the only operating business in the area came running out to see what had caused it. The Ito brothers were among those people. The first thing they noticed were two destroyed but familiar bikes. The second thing they noticed were two destroyed but familiar parents.

  Commercial Break My Heart

  A full moon shines bright outside of a bedroom window. The lunar nightlight illuminates the inside of the room just enough to chase away the imaginary monsters under the bed. The bed’s lone occupant sits up. He throws his legs over the side of the bed and places his feet on the floor. A manly muffin top is visible between a pair of pajama pants and a tight-fitting t-shirt. He runs his fingers through his bed head hair.

  “I need to get me something to eat,” he grumbles to himself, as he heads for the kitchen. “Maybe a little midnight snackeroo!”

  Unseen by the man, a real monster clad in black crawls out from under the bed. The ninja slowly shakes his head in disappointment and then follows his prey.

  Bare feet thump on every step going down a wooden staircase. The ninja now clings to the ceiling just above the descending man’s head. In the living room, the man trips and falls when he steps on a magazine. He sits up and looks for the magazine, but it’s gone. Walking with a limp, he reaches his intended destination. The refrigerator door opens, lighting up his chubby face. Delicate tings and clinks sound out as jars and containers are moved back and forth inside. He acts like choosing the perfect midnight snack is a matter of life or death, and in this case, it may very well be. The ninja remains unnoticed, now perched on top of the refrigerator like a gargoyle. Unsatisfied with his refrigerated options, the obese man makes his way to the food pantry. After more careful deliberation, a bag of Funyuns gets ripped open with gusto.